Joy & Pain (pump it up! pump it up!)

This particular post marks the celebration of two significant events this week. The first is my one year anniversary of taking my very first gym class at Jersey Fitness: Zumba. As you may have read in "Intro to Group Exercises" that first class made a huge impression on me (and continues to do so, particularly in the kneecap and booty regions). Up until that point, however, I kind of did my own thing with my basic $10 gym membership (classes not included). I'd walk on the treadmills, go on the elliptical, or read a magazine while I lounged on a recumbant bike (I take the word recumbant very seriously); and at the time, just starting out and getting into the routine of exercising, all of that was enough for me. I'd go to the gym, put in my 45 minutes, and then log what I did into my calendar each day. When I went to throw out good ol' 2012, I skimmed through the pages to look back at my gym schedule in the pre-beast mode life I used to lead. Here's what I learned: 1.) I used to take every other day off from exercising each week and 2.) Zumba was the only class I attended until mid-May (when I started experimenting with Spin and Piloxing). I jokingly told Chrissy that these were my young and carefree days, before all the gym classes started knocking me on my rear end on a daily basis.

 When I skimmed through whole weeks of "treadmill/bike/elliptical" I felt like it had to be divine intervention that I joined a class when I did. I was, without question, about to reach that point of "I'm bored with this routine and therefore I think I'll just give up this exercise business altogether". It's that moment that all Big Girls dread once the zeal of  "starting over" wears off. This can happen when you walk on the same machine, listen to the same playlist, re-read the same 4 month-old issue of Us Weekly, and stare at the same clock wondering why an hour at the gym is not quite the same as the "hour"-long back massages at a salon. But for as bored as I was just looking at my old schedule, I know that at 250+ lbs, this is where I had to start. That time before classes (B.C.) really wasn't about reconditioning my body so much as it was about reconditioning my mind. My main objective was simply to make exercising a habit (weight loss also happened to be an excellent incentive). I've done the crazy crash diets, I've had lap-band surgery on my stomach, and I  had to learn the hard way that extreme does not always equal success, or at least not for long-term anyway. So I went old-school with changing my diet and exercise habits and, wonder of wonders, we're now entering Year 2 of healthy living. I don't think that 250-lb me would have been ready to take on classes right away, though, and I definitely don't think that 250-lb me would have appreciated Chrissy as an instructor at that point, either. I worked out on my own for about four months before I eyed up Friday night Zumba class on the January schedule. After four months of exercising regularly(ish), I was finally able to get the ball up and rolling. By January of 2012, that ball was ready to pick up speed. Enter: Chrissy.

When I went to that first Zumba class, Chrissy was pretty much her own crazy ball of energy and she just about knocked me over with it (well, mostly it was just me knocking into the people next to me). I won't repeat all the details of that first class because you can read it (or re-read it) in "Intro". I will tell you that I left that class feeling exhausted, sweaty, and incredibly pissed off at myself. This would be the first of many times that I would be overwhelmed with the reality of my weight situation and have a quasi-meltdown. Obviously I didn't expect to get all the dance routines right away (unlike some jerkface newbies named Scott) but I also didn't think I'd feel so worn out so easily. I had to work really really hard to try and keep up with the music (I didn't bother trying to keep up with Chrissy). But when you're carrying around an excess of 130 lbs, every step is a challenge in and of itself. I remember standing in the back of the room and watching Chrissy dance around effortlessly, and beneath the surface of my envy and confusion I felt this sudden rush of hope. Let me be clear: I don't think anyone can actually match Chrissy's energy (I can't even imagine what she must have been like as a toddler). But watching her dance around so easily turned this whole 'working out thing' on its head for me. See, I really really love to dance...and...you know...I do what I can with what I've got. But when you watch someone who is ridiculously good at dancing get down, it makes you want to aspire to that level of excellence. Before that class, I would have told you "I want to lose weight to be healthy" or "I want to lose weight to be finally be thin". After that class, I would have said "I want to lose weight so that I can dance like that crazy lady up front". And when I went home that night, I called up my best friend and told her, "Stace, this is insane but...I went to Zumba and the instructor was so flipping good that for the first time in my life, I actually want to lose all this weight immediately, get a six-pack, and just dance the crap out of everything". And I waited for Stacy to laugh at this blatantly ridiculous statement (because me and the skinny blondes aren't always simpatico). Instead, she replied as though she'd been waiting the duration of our friendship to hear me make this statement, "Aww, hon, that's so great that that happened! I totally think you can do this."


But right now, at this moment, I don't really think I can do it. I go home after class and shower, and I've got all this reality marked on my body in the form of rolls, arm fat, and stretch marks. And I have these moments, or sometimes hours and days, where my "can'ts" just drag me down to a really dark and dismal place. In the past, during these moments, I would just concede and eat my emotions. But now when I take those hits, they still suck and I still feel overwhelmed, but I just can't choose nothingness over the classes (Unless it's the Endurance 5AM ride. Then it's straight to the 5-lb block o' dark chocolate from Trader Joe's and some quality couch time with Downton Abbey). I know when the classes went from habit to addiction, I just don't know when they transitioned from addiction to love. I mean seriously, if my gym classes had a theme song it would be that 80s hit "Joy and Pain". And at some point, these gym classes became my social life. It was probably around the time I guffawed at my friend Darlene for choosing to go on a date instead of doing Zumba. But I think that the most amazing aspect of the gym classes is the community of people itself. I have all of these friends who are just beasts when it comes to the gym. Most importantly, though,  they're kind, encouraging beasts. I'm used to being amongst a community of people who "cheat" by ordering dessert at a restaurant or have second helpings at dinner. The people I work out with "cheat" by adding more weight to a bench press, or run an additional mile, or decide to put in some extra lifting before a class.  And when I think about why I want to lose weight now, it's more like, "I want to lose weight so that I can dance/kick/punch/step/run/pump/spin like all my gym buddies". Because at some point, not sure when, those nameless beasts and that crazy lady up front stopped being nameless and...well, okay, Chrissy's still crazy; the point is, they're my friends. To give up on working out, and ultimately myself, would also mean giving up these people and it's just not a fair trade. I don't want to quit on myself, for sure, but I also don't want any of these people to think that I'm the kind of person to give up on me either. So I keep moving forward, even if it means stumbling along the way.

So on a final and more personal note, I'd like to commemorate the second significant event of this week: Chrissy's birthday. I'm not going to gush about her because if you've read any of my posts, you know that she is someone that I admire, respect, and...sometimes fear. Instead I'll say this about Chrissy, Dana, Beth, Laurie, Sam, Lucas, Tara, Tara, and Jim: when I leave your classes, I am so happy that I forget about scales, arm fat, and stretch marks, and I am grateful to be part of this process. And to all of my classmates, your support and encouragement make me feel as though I've already succeeded. So Happy Birthday Chrissy, and I hope you know how glad I am that I didn't listen to those goobers who told me a year ago that I might not like you, your yelling, your crazy fast pace, or Zumba class itself. I happen to love all of it.

Happy Anniversary, Jersey Fitness!