Welcome back dear perusers! Let me begin this well overdue entry
with an equally overdue apology. It has now been six months since my last
post. It was not my intention to go quite so long without writing, and I make no
excuses for my propensity to procrastinate; however, the past six months have
been both busy and stationary (as the title suggests). Since my March post I
celebrated Easter with my family (which is always a big cannoli-filled to-do in our house), I
traveled to the West Coast twice (I'm about to go again in a week), I went on two separate beach vacations with
friends, and I acquired a boyfriend (whom I will simply refer to as the Boy).
I've also acquired +7 lbs which, considering how close I am to the -100 lb mark, is pretty frustrating. This is very difficult for me to write because I feel that not only have I disappointed myself, but all of you as well. I mean, what do you say when you're so close to the end of your journey (cringe) and then everything sort of stalls and goes backwards a bit? What do you say when you continue to work out, but your digestive system is still in vacation mode? What do you say when you're moving around in a class or on a machine and you've got these stomach roll reminders that you're still a long ways away?
I wish that this post which officially marks the two year anniversary of my weight loss journey (cringe) also marked my -100 lb victory. I wish that this process would get easier towards the end rather than harder. I wish that I felt different (in my heart) from that sobbing mess of a girl that I was two years ago. But I'm still sad, still disappointed, and still hoping that I can have another chance at improving my health.
Not long after I first started working out in 2011 and was "in the zone" as my sister Chrissy would say, I attended a class at another gym with my friend Heather. Heather pointed out the girl working the front desk and told me that she had lost 100 lbs. Excited at the prospect of meeting someone that I, myself, was aspiring to become, I went up to the girl and asked her all the obvious questions, such as: "How did you do it?" "How long did it take?" "Was it really hard?" (the rookie question), etc. When I told front desk girl that I, too, was in the process of losing weight she said to me, "Just remember to keep at it because there will come a time when you'll just want to stop altogether". I wasn't expecting her to tell me this. I was clearly "in the zone" and there was no way that I would ever want to "stop altogether" and go back to my miserable pre-gym existence. I left the gym feeling slightly annoyed by her less than encouraging words of advice and determined to zip through to my -100 lbs.
Now, two years later, I think back to that conversation with a little bit more clarity and here's what I think: I think it was a bit naiive of me to assume that I would maintain the high level of energy and enthusiasm that I had when I first started working out. As anyone who has ever started working out and/or eating well knows, the pounds practically evaporate off of your body in those early days. I used to skip merrily over to my scale on weigh-in days (now it's more like a stand-off). Over time, however, your body starts to adapt to the new lifestyle changes and you're forced to up the ante on your eating/exercise routine. But when you're two years into working out consistently 5-6 times a week, and mostly eating well, you get to a point when you glare pointedly at the grandmotherly folds that still envelope your underarms, and you start to go to a very dark place. And eventually when the number on the scale doesn't change or, worse, it starts going up, you think to yourself: This is it. I've hit the unclimbable wall. This is no going forward from here.
If I could be happy at this weight then perhaps I would be okay with this particular wall; I would still be able to say that I've come a long way from where I started and I'm content with this number. There are thousands of women who are able to be at this weight and be totally happy, I just happen to not be one of them. In my mind and in my heart, I still remember what my sister Kimberly told me two years ago when I, no doubt, called her up sobbing over my weight issues. She said, "Angie, there is happy, healthy girl inside of you that is waiting to meet you on the other side" I want to meet that girl. I want my instructors to meet that girl so that they can see the difference they make in other people's lives. I would like to leave this dark, low point that I'm in right now and come out a stronger, healthier person who is grateful for all the peaks and valleys I've endured to get to that final Big Goal.
For right now, I'll end this post on a high note (it was such a Debbie Downer): Despite all the setbacks, I have no wish to "stop altogether". And although my gym attendance during my trips/vacations was spotty (and my 5AM Spin attendance has been pretty much non-existent), I still "keep at it" and go to my classes. Even though the honeymoon phase of my gym membership is over, I'm still committed to this relationship and seeing it through to the end. Whenever that may be. And I will be grateful for where I am now and for where I started.
Now, two years later, I think back to that conversation with a little bit more clarity and here's what I think: I think it was a bit naiive of me to assume that I would maintain the high level of energy and enthusiasm that I had when I first started working out. As anyone who has ever started working out and/or eating well knows, the pounds practically evaporate off of your body in those early days. I used to skip merrily over to my scale on weigh-in days (now it's more like a stand-off). Over time, however, your body starts to adapt to the new lifestyle changes and you're forced to up the ante on your eating/exercise routine. But when you're two years into working out consistently 5-6 times a week, and mostly eating well, you get to a point when you glare pointedly at the grandmotherly folds that still envelope your underarms, and you start to go to a very dark place. And eventually when the number on the scale doesn't change or, worse, it starts going up, you think to yourself: This is it. I've hit the unclimbable wall. This is no going forward from here.
If I could be happy at this weight then perhaps I would be okay with this particular wall; I would still be able to say that I've come a long way from where I started and I'm content with this number. There are thousands of women who are able to be at this weight and be totally happy, I just happen to not be one of them. In my mind and in my heart, I still remember what my sister Kimberly told me two years ago when I, no doubt, called her up sobbing over my weight issues. She said, "Angie, there is happy, healthy girl inside of you that is waiting to meet you on the other side" I want to meet that girl. I want my instructors to meet that girl so that they can see the difference they make in other people's lives. I would like to leave this dark, low point that I'm in right now and come out a stronger, healthier person who is grateful for all the peaks and valleys I've endured to get to that final Big Goal.
For right now, I'll end this post on a high note (it was such a Debbie Downer): Despite all the setbacks, I have no wish to "stop altogether". And although my gym attendance during my trips/vacations was spotty (and my 5AM Spin attendance has been pretty much non-existent), I still "keep at it" and go to my classes. Even though the honeymoon phase of my gym membership is over, I'm still committed to this relationship and seeing it through to the end. Whenever that may be. And I will be grateful for where I am now and for where I started.
Happy Two Year Anniversary!
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| May 2011 |
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| June 2013 |
